Cars are so frustrating.

We took J's car to the mechanic today. It was "fixed". I drove it out of the parking lot and the check engine light came back on and so I pulled back in. They checked it and it came back with the same problem. So they did a few things and said it was okay. So I went to my mom's and now I'm back at my dad's. I drove like 6 miles total??? That's it! The check engine light is back on now. When you have the car in reverse, it acts like it will stall. The headlights were dimming. When I had the AC on while I was driving to my mom's it seemed like it was losing power so I didn't use it when I drove it home. If you're in reverse and are hitting the gas, it takes more pressure than it should. Which is how it was before I had everything fixed today!!! I had the blower motor replaced, the air flow meter and accelerator sensors replaced and the pigtail harness replaced. Oh and the air filter. We're taking it back to the mechanic tomorrow so hopefully the problem is fixed for good tomorrow.


A posting schedule?

I think I'm going to try a posting schedule. Maybe on Sundays I'll post my goals for the upcoming week. Mondays I'll post some photos I've taken during the week. Tuesdays can be about something I've organized or cleaned or both. With pictures. Wednesday will be nail polish day! Thursday (if it's my day off) will be conquer a fear day. Since my anxiety is getting so bad lately, I'll work on this and each week I'll try to do something that causes anxiety normally. Friday I can write about what I did during the week in terms of life, work, stories. I don't know if I'll post on Saturday. I love reading lots of blog posts but lots of bloggers don't post more than 3 times a week usually. And I've already made a schedule for 6 days. I don't know if I'll start this week. I'm at my dad's so he wouldn't want me to clean or organize his house tomorrow. I don't have the camera. I don't have any nail polish with me. I can post pictures for today though! 


I hate anxiety. It is taking over my life again. I have to make some phone calls and I don't want to do it. I need to call about my car. I need to call about the 2nd job. I need to call and ask some questions about my current job. I need to call some of my doctors and set up appointments. But I am just sitting here and not doing that. I want to go to the beach but I don't want to get in the car and drive by myself. I hate hate hate anxiety. And it's even worse when I'm depressed and I'm depressed about my car. If I'm in a happier mood then the anxiety isn't as bad. 2006-2008 was a pretty good time in my life. I did a lot of stuff on my own and without a lot of anxiety. I had natural anti anxiety pills, I should try to find them again and order them and see if they work for me again. I need them! If I lose my car, I'm afraid that I'll go back to not driving eventually and that driving for work will stop and I'll just not drive anymore and driving will once again cause anxiety. Right now driving when I have a routine, going to and from work is okay, when I have a plan is okay. But I can't just hop in the car and decide to go shopping or go to the beach, it freaks me out. 

I am in Lake Worth.

My car is broken. Again. I probably can't get it fixed this time. I don't know what to do anymore. We've wanted to move out of state for a while now and I have no idea now how that is going to happen. J makes less money now and we're not really saving any money now either. Its just like how it was before. Our bills are less but he makes less now. So we still don't have any money to put into the savings account. His car is paid off now so hopefully, all fingers crossed now this will help us. I sent the check last week to pay it off. I hope he gets the title for it soon. I hope he changes his car insurance now and then we can save probably $500 a month there!!! He's been paying over $200 a month on car insurance since February for NO REASON. P lost his car in February and that's when J should have taken P off of his insurance and stopped paying for it. But that car and P as a driver for the car is still on there. But the luck we have or the luck I have within a week or a month of this good thing happening, some other bad thing will happen and we won't ever save that $500 every month. Just like when we moved into J's parents house, we were going to save all this money every month but he quit his job and now there's zero extra money. 

I applied for a second job and I have to make some calls this week about it. I've been working overtime the last two weeks. When I go back home (I'm at my dad's right now) I'm going to try to find other ways I can earn extra money. I don't know what else to do. J isn't looking for another job I don't think. He doesn't talk about it if he is. 

I really need to figure my life out. 

But right now... In the next few minutes, I'm going to get ready for bed. That I've figured out. 



I brought up one up my tables to the porch to put my plants on it. Now I want more plants. I only have 3. Some have died. :( I am trying to also make more room out there on the porch. I wish they would hurry up and decide what they want to do with the work bench. Is it staying out there? Is it going to the barn room? I can't keep up with all these decisions. Big J had said that we could put our big fridge on the porch and if we did that, the microwave could go on top and it would free up so much room. Then I could probably figure out a way to get the toaster in here and I could probably get better food storage then. Ideas!



I went to the doctors today. I have a new neurologist now. I hate having to explain everything all over again! Today's appointment was supposed to be about going over the results of the second EEG and at first it seemed like that wasn't going to happen. I had to go over what had happened. Very quickly. And she was looking stuff up on her computer. She could see the first EEG and said she would have to get the second one and call me tomorrow or whenever she got them. No! No!!!! She finally found them I guess. Maybe. Who knows. She said that the doctor who read the second EEG said the results were the same as the first time. Which is that I could have another seizure basically. She said I could have always had the tendency and then with the right triggers last year it happened and so now I have to make sure I don't trigger it again. She also said I can't drive for another month. Until it's been 6 months from the day it happened. Or rather I have to be seizure free for 6 months. So May 13th. I'm on new medicine. 
I took my first dose tonight. This is supposed to also help with my headaches. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I need to go to sleep. I have to go to the barn tomorrow and get envelopes. Maybe I'll take a box down there too. I have a box on the porch with J's old work shorts, a blanket and a quilt in it. I also want to box up some of my clothes and bring them down there. J is very restless tonight. He's tossing and turning a lot. I have so much laundry to put away but I am pretty much all caught up on the dirty laundry. I have some towels to wash and I think a small load of clothes. The stuff we wore today and then J has stuff all over the floor in the room that I need to gather. We try to put everything outside in a basket or in a pile but he often times just puts it on the floor wherever. In front of the bed. On the bed. I've come home and had a wet towel on the bed. ON MY SIDE!!! On the floor on both sides of the bed. Right now I think there's just stuff on his side of the bed and pants on my side but he's wearing those pants to work tomorrow I believe. 

I made a list of the shows I need to watch to catch up. There are 21. At least. There are more but CBS doesn't put them online for 2-3 weeks and then they only stay online for 4 weeks? Some of the episodes on my list aren't avaible anymore. 
The blue are the ones I need the watch. The green ones are ones I THINK I need to watch but aren't avaible online, I found the titles on imdb. The ones crossed out in purple are the ones I've seen. The one crossed out in blue I already had seen. The numbers in the circles are the order I need to watch them. Like NCIS:LA has 4 episodes I need to watch. Hopefully tomorrow I can watch more shows than I watched today!! I think I watched 5 shows today. Lol. Tomorrow I'm going to aim for 7. Friday I work 8-6 so I'll try to watch 2-3 and Saturday? Not sure. J and I will go to breakfast but not sure what we're doing the rest of the day. 

Okay, time to stop with the rambling thoughts here. I'm going to start watching one of my shows. Hopefully I can cross one more off tonight.

Oh. I bought Marvel hero golden books for Baby M!! They got here Monday and I gave them to Jacie already. I got Hulk, Ironman, Thor (my favorite bc he's hot in the movie) and The Avenagers. I will probably get Captain America later on. I looked for The Flash but it doesn't exist in a golden book apparently. Lol. I read the Hulk one to J. Haha. 

I am going to shower that kid with books for as long as I can! I loved reading as a kid and I still love reading. I love books and I think it is hot when a man reads books and has a bookcase full of books. J is lucky I gave him a chance. He was a reader without a bookcase full of books when we started dating. I believe that everyone should have access to books. My mom first started teaching me to read with games like scrabble. I think she would set the tiles up for me and show me what the letters were and all that and then eventually would say okay, make the word cat. I think I was 8 when my dad bought me the first 4 books of the Baby Sitters Club books for Christmas. I remember he was so happy about it and told me he saw it and thought I would like it and hoped that I did and said that if I did there were more books in the series and once I read them we would go to the store and buy the next one. I read the first 4 and the BSC addiction started. I think I read them for 5-7 years and I have probably close 150 books in the series. I think there's almost 100 in the main series then I have the mystery ones and the super mysteries and the super regular books and the little sisters books. I might have 200. If J and I ever own our own house one day I want to set up a library and get all my books from my dad's house. 

Luckily both my parents loved reading and always bought me books or took me to the library. My dad's parents also had a large collection of books that I looked at too. My grandmother read romance novels and my grandfather had non fiction books mostly. 

I'm tired. It is time for sleep.



I haven't worn nail polish in about five days. Am I sick? I think I'm going to put the fake nails on tonight. Most of my nails are really short anyways so it's good. I think I'm supposed to buff them first. I probably should since I buffed, smoothed and shined my nails last night so they're all.... Wait for it... Smooth and shiny. 

I am hungry. 

It is my laundry day today. Sigh. I washed my work shirts and they're already dry and hung up. I have my work pants and other clothes in the dryer now. In an hour I'll go out there and restart the dryer and wash J's clothes so that he has clean stuff for the week. Then.... I'll see what I want to wash next. Which will probably be my last load of stuff. Maybe some blankets. We have enough towels for another week or so, so we're good there. 



J's xbox's fan is being really stupid loud and doesn't sound normal. He says it is. No, no it is not! But it's okay. Your hard drive already died, so why not something else. Then you'd have a great excuse to buy the Xbox one. He needs to remember that he does not make the same money he used to make. He took like a 75% pay cut. His paycheck will pay his car payment, insurance and the rent. Maybe the cell phones too. 

I was offered a job yesterday. I will hopefully get it. It's part time and the hours are really flexible so I would work both jobs.